Fear and Loathing

Basically all the time about everything

When my son was a toddler, there was a covered slide at our local swimming pool. He loved going down that slide, but every single time we went to the pool, he would be afraid of it, as if he had forgotten that it was something he enjoyed. He'd climb the ladder several times before getting the nerve to go down.

Once he decided to do it, he'd scream, "I'm going to do it no matter what I think about it." And with that, I'd hear him hit the slide, squealing, and wind down around and around until he hit the water with a splash.   

The number one reason people don't get shit done is fear. I know this because I've spent my life being consumed by it, even if others don't see it.

Most people who know me would describe me as pretty fearless. I don't care much about what people think about me. I am seem unafraid to talk to anyone, try anything new, go anywhere, etc. I am also unafraid to go back to school. I am high-functioning at my job. I work fast. I take risks that pay off, most of the time.

I used to be afraid to tell people I never graduated from college.

When I worked in a bookstore, it didn't matter except to the people with degrees who had a chip on their shoulder about being overeducated and working retail. When I started working in publishing, I don't remember ever thinking about it. It was a total non-issue. It only came up once when an assistant questioned my life timeline, and I quickly changed the subject.

It came up again years later when a former boss asked me in conversation what year I graduated from college, a question I had never been asked before. I'd been working there for years and never even thought about it, but in that moment, I didn't want to let her down. I quickly did the math in my head, and straight-up lied. I felt terrible about it. So much so that years after I left the job, I confessed to the woman I lied to in an email, just to give my conscience a rest.

Because of my life and work experience, people always assumed I had a degree and never brought it up.

When I was recruited for the university press job, I went into that position knowing I could take university classes for free, but for years, I was too embarrassed to ask anyone about it. My bosses at work knew I had not finished college, but otherwise, I kept the truth to myself. Having reached 40 years old without really thinking about education, education was suddenly everywhere. I feared what the professors would think. That they would no longer treat me like a peer.

Slowly over the next couple of years, as I fell in love with the place and the people, I started thinking about what going back to school might look like, and almost overnight, I decided to apply.

The first step was talking to admissions. You can take classes in two ways when you work at a university. First, you can audit, which is how most employees take classes for fun and to learn something new. But you can also apply as a student and take courses for credit. When I first approached admissions, the officer make several attempts to dissuade me. I'd heard from the registrar that only one other employee had ever done what I was trying to do, so I knew non-traditional students weren't something they dealt with often.

"Surely, you want to audit a few classes and see how you liked it first, yes?"

For me, auditing was a waste of time. I was talking openly about my lack of a degree, putting myself out there, scared shitless and taking the first step, and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was half-ass it. Once I convinced the officer I was serious, he conceded. I applied, got in, and, within a few weeks, was taking digital photography.

At first, I only told my situation to the professors whose classes I was taking. Eventually, I became less fearful and opened up to friends and other members of the faculty and staff. To my great surprise and relief, everyone was hugely supportive. And here I am now, telling the internet—fearless but still a little afraid.

The BIG fear for me comes from writing and, worse, telling people about writing. I’ve always written, but every time I’ve put myself out there, I’ve failed to see it through to making it a career. And after years of being a flack for writers, it is scary to ask for support for actually being one.

I am completely fearless when it comes to hyper-focus sewing, art projects, and photography, both taking photos and sharing them. As far as my soul goes, those are low-cost activities. They are easy and fun, and I can get lost in them for hours, days, or weeks and never feel that negative voice in my head.

The demon/doubting voice only comes when I am thinking about writing. Getting to the writing is so hard. My brain makes every excuse in the world to not face it. It's painful and anxiety-ridden. Only when I get out of my own way and do it do I remember why I love it. There is something petrifying about opening up your mind and soul on paper. It comes at a higher cost than working a nine-to-five job or even returning to school. The most obvious, fear-inducing question I am sure all writers ask themselves is why does what I have to say matter? With everything else going on in the world, how can I tell a story that anyone will give a shit about?

The answer to that question for me is this. I am on the elder side of midlife. I can no longer afford the luxury of being afraid. If the last two years of working on a novel and the previous eight years of returning to school have taught me anything, it's this…

I'm going to do it, no matter what I think about it.