Things I Learned This Week
First week of the semester wrap up
First week of school done! Here are the takeaways.
Being afraid is bullshit. A must-have Oceanography credit has been hanging over my head for years. I'd assumed that all science somehow equals math, and math to me is worse than snakes, sharks, and that parasitic catfish in the Amazon that supposedly swims up a man's penis when he pees in the river. However, week one proved the class and the professor to be a delight. I have already learned how waves form and why water moves in the opposite direction in the Southern Hemisphere. Who knew?
Having anxiety is inevitable. Twice this week, I said something in class that made me cringe and worry for hours. Because I am a pro mind reader, I usually think I know what everyone is thinking, so an odd facial expression or tilt of the head by the person I'm speaking to can send me down a daylong spiral. My mother called it circling the drain. No amount of Xanax or kind internal words can back me off the ledge when I am in full-blow hater mode with myself. Being in class for me is usually an hour+ long mental dance of worry: have I said too much, or did I sound like a boomer, or ugh, why did I say that? I'm learning to
toleratelove this part of myself. After all, the part of my brain that does this is the same part that houses my emotional intelligence, a gift I have never once taken for granted.My World Literature class is quickly becoming my favorite, one of the reasons being that the teacher loves literary terms and brings them up whenever they appear in a reading. Somehow, I'd never heard of the term apostrophe. Webster says it "refers to a speech or address to a person who is not present or to a personified object, such as Yorick's skull in Hamlet. It comes from the Greek word apostrephein, which means 'to turn away.'" Also used a lot by poets in the form of "O" when talking to something like the cheesecake you want but are denying yourself. "O, cheesecake, why do you mock me with your creamy exterior and delicate graham cracker crust?"
Aside from school, I'm still getting through the classic movie list with my husband. Citizen Kane was an innovative film that changed much about the industry, but God, so sexist. Watching these old films and remembering the emotions they enticed when I was young, as opposed to how they make me feel now, is shocking. I watched it for the first time at the New York Public Library on 56th Street on reel to reel when I was twenty and loved it. Rewatching now, the overwhelming ick I got from the film's narrow view of men's superiority to women felt pretty shitty.
My son is headed to college for his sophomore year, driving from Texas to Florida with his father. I love making this drive because when else do you get two full days of face time with your 19-year-old? I couldn't make the trip because of school, and while I was sad to miss it, I was happy for my husband because I know that time won't always be there to enjoy. My son has other people he wants to spend that time with now, as he should. Saying goodbye taught me that it never gets easier, no matter how often you send your child off. The upside is that as sad as it feels when he leaves, every time he comes back, he seems more independent, more like the person I always knew he'd become. The less he needs me, the more proud of him I am. And that feels the opposite of shitty.
Bagels really are easier to make than you think they will be. Pro tip: make sure you have someone to share the kneading. Otherwise, you're screwed.
Lastly, just because you love pickles and just because you like beer doesn't mean you'll like pickle beer.
Quote of the week from my studies?
In this world, whatever we see, we see in a scattered way; we see it a little here and there, a little now and then; we see it mixed up in ten other ways. But in literature, those gaps and those adulterations do not exist. There, all the light shines upon that which is being expressed. For the time being, nothing else is allowed to be seen. Through many contrivances, such a place is created that allows only that to be luminous. — Rabindranath Tagore
'Til Tuesday kids!
Burgin